i got a livejournal account a month ago. thinking of switching to livejournal maybe?.. oh well but there are too many memories here that i will be sad if it disappears off into cyberspace.
anyway the livejournal one i'm only blogging private posts now, i need to explore it more first!
yesterday at church was talking to xx, she had her birthday already so she's officially 19.
we were discussing about how weird it is to be 19, and next year we'll be turning 20. it's THE END of teenagehood seriously.
have i ever mentioned how much i don't like responsibility and commitments? in short, acting like an adult? though some adults have less sense in their whole bodies than some kids do in their little pinky.
i find it kind of hard to believe i'll be 20 next year! yes it's still so far away but time passes so quickly, no?
as we were saying, when we were younger and even at 14, 15 years old, we always thought 19, 20 is such an old age. it's like WAHH. i always imagined that people at 19 and 20 would be mature people with more sense in their head, they're more understanding people, know how to take care of people more.
in short, thy're more GROWN UP.
but then myself at 19, i don't feel more mature than i was at 15, or 16. oh well mum always said i was a xiao da ren. the eight-going-on-eighty kind. but then now i still feel as though i'm 19, but mentally 16. kind of never grew up, my maturity stopped increasing then.
not to say that i didn't mature at all as i grew. definitely i became more understanding, more accepting of differences, more sensible, more able to take care of people around me. on the down side, less innocent (don't xiang3 wai1!), more manipulative. you'll less likely to take what people say at face value, you doubt what others say, you are less trusting. because you have been let down so many times, you have been exposed to the ugly truths of life, you know that more often than not, people have their own personal agendas and motives.
somehow the cons seem to outweigh the pros by alot more doesn't it?
yes i'll rather be a kid actually.
i don't want life to change.
and we were saying, we can't imagine working in the future. 5 years ago if you had asked me, 'what would you be doing 5 years from now?' i would have told you 'studying'. now if you ask me the same question, i'll say 'i don't know.'
life is unpredictable but that's alright. i know God will lead me to where he wants me to be. although i don't know his plans right now, i have to have faith and trust in Him :)
right?
when i was younger i always thought i'll be... a less awkward person? more in control of my emotions, more confident, less introverted, be the kind that can talk to strangers. well, the only thing i can tell my younger self is that i was wrong. introvert is not something you grow out of, it's simply part of your personality. i guess, to a large extent, personality and character are things that will stay with you.
more in control of my emotions? pui. oh please, when you get older it's more like you can hide your emotions better, learn to have a poker face.at least, that's what i've gained growing up. becoming more guarded.
okay i'm aware that this is becoming a rambly post but whatever.
you know, i always thought i'll discover myself more, be more assured of who i am. but at the end of the day, i'm still as confused and lost as i was when i was 16. guess some things never change.
things i've learnt about myself:
- i'm still an introvert. i'm scared of meeting new people. and i especailly hate self intros and orientation and presentations and things like that.
- i'm not antisocial (at least, i THINK). i'm just more picky about friends (that's what my tuition teacher said a long time ago). i do value my friends and i feel especially sad when people i was once close to drift out of my life.
- i have issues with changes. to quote kh, i hate knowing that there are going to be changes and i can do nothing about it. e.g. going to jc/uni
- i don't express myself very well.
- i'm a major procrastinator and i'm almost never on time.
- i'm uncomfortable around people i'm not close to, even if i know them.
- i like silence. i think silence among friends are fine, it's a comfortable silence.
- i get nervous over insignificant things.
- words of encouragement motivate me :D
- i say stupid things and then i regret it. if not i think of things to say hours after the conversation is over. brain processes are definitely not sharp.
- not many people understand why i do the seemingly strange things i do, or say. it's okay, i just get happier when i find someone who does.
- i'm a nostalgic person. maybe cos i'm scared of changes so i hold on to the past.
- i like long walks and letting my thoughts roam.
- i hate vulgarities. although i do say some sometimes :(
- at the grand old age of 18 going on 19, i still don't understand social conventions. heck, i didn't even hear about them until i came to pathlight
- i'm quite a naggy person
that's a rather long list.
oh, and
17. i have a hidden streak of insanity. a privileged few have actually seen my crazy side :)
like xx said, 19 is just a number! deep down inside i still feel like an immature 16 year old >.<
& all along, its only what I thought.
9:32 PM
